A few observations about myself.

1. I begin to anticipate Christmas mid-September. I can't help it. I try to hold back and change my thoughts, but it does not work.

2. I begin to anticipate Summer mid-February. I can't help it. I try to hold back and change my thoughts, but it does not work.

3. I get along extremely well with gay men. I don't know what this means, or if I need to say something else. I guess not, it's just an observation.

4. I do not know my rights and lefts. This is extremely obvious under pressure. I have given multiple people incorrect directions based on the lack of this basic skill; however, I have an EXCELLENT sense of direction. I know, it doesn't make sense.

5. I hate the sound of people turning magazine pages. I gag.

6. I have a love-love relationship with Jay-Z. Move over Beyonce.

7. I love to laugh. Cliche, but true.

8. I love light fixtures and lighting in general.

9. I want to write something that means something one day.

10. If it weren't for worship music, my life would be drastically different. Oh, and I like to worship in the dark.

Epic Fail: Hot Tea

So, as we all are beginning to realize, it is September. What we all might not realize is that in Minnesota, September is the beginning of everyone get sick and be miserable. So on Wednesday and Thursday, I was attempting to head off a sore throat/cold by drinking some hot tea. On Thursday afternoon, I grab my friend Jennifer, and we head to our floor's break room. I start making my tea. I have it relatively easy, because we have a coffee maker with an instant hot water button. I fill up my cup, and start to head to the door. It is about 1:15pm... the end of the lunch rush in the break room. Jennifer is looking at the vending machine, getting a soda for Will (our co-worker) and herself.

(TIME OUT: Now, there is something you need to know. I am afraid of most bugs.. and my fear borders on pathetic, but I don't hold a candle to Jennifer. Jennifer loses all rational thought and natural ability when she sees ANY sort of bug. Period. Oh, this is the same Jennifer that got change put down her dress with me at my friend Donielle's b.day party... see earlier post. TIME IN)

Ok, so Jennifer gets one soda and I see a spider on the floor. Crawling. Right by me and Jennifer. I panicked.

I gently grabbed Jennifer by the shoulders and said, "Jennifer. Don't look down." Of course, she immediately looks down. "What is it? What? OMG IT IS A SPIDER. OMG." She starts yelling. Like, actually yelling. For those of you who know me well, when I am uncomfortable, I generally do one thing whether appropriate or not: Laugh. Laughing commences.

Somehow, we get backed into the corner near the exit of the break room. Jennifer drops her change that was supposed to buy the second soda. In the process of dropping her $0.60, she dumps the entire coin contents of her wallet on the floor. I squat down to pick it up. I am laughing so hard, no noise is coming out of my mouth. I start drooling. Actually drooling. I can't shut my mouth.

"RAVEN, KILL IT. KILL THE SPIDER," Jennifer yells at a co-worker. He looks at us like we have lost our mind, and steps on the spider.

I am still drooling. Laughing and drooling. Drool actually dripped from my knee alllll the way down to my ankle. Seriously.

Raven kills the bug, and we get it together and head back to our desk. We start telling Will what we went through, and we get mid-way through the story, and I knock the entire cup of scalding, hot tea on my shirt/pants/desk/floor. Will of course sees this, and falls over laughing. I am burned, pissed, and soaking wet. My co-worker Chris helps me clean up my desk/floor/chair/papers/life, and we get settled in to work.

My throat is still sore. So what do I do? Ask Chris to escort me and Jennifer back to the break room. Why? Because Jennifer NEVER got her own soda, just Will's. And as previously discussed, my cup of tea is gone.

We get to the break room. I get a new tea bag, cup, and go to the water button. At this point, I am so incredibly flustered, I push the 'Full Brew' button instead of 'Hot Water.' Instantaneously, coffee starts pouring out of the machine on to the counter. The carafe isn't in position, so coffee is spilling everywhere. I panic, and put my teeeny tiny tea cup up to catch the carafe portion of coffee. Jennifer has completely lost it. She has to leave, because we are sure we are going to be fired. Chris or Jennifer quickly realizes we have to turn the machine off to get it to stop. The machine is off, and water continues to drip, drip, drip for an eternity.

FINALLY, I throw the second cup of tea away, and you know what? The third time is a charm. BAM, got my tea, and finished the day.

I don't have time for _____

So I just had an epiphany in the shower.

(TIME OUT: Now. I know you are going to see the time stamp on this and think, it is Sunday, after 3 pm, on Labor Day weekend, why are you just now showering? Before you judge, please consider the following:

1. My church meets at 6 pm for the time being.

2. I am dog-sitting.

3. My monthly friend/monthly enemy/Aunt Flo/nature's curse/man's monthly demise/devil's gift reared it's ugly head this morning. Hello Midol.

4. I worked out.

5. Need I say more? TIME IN.)

Anyway, I was in the shower thinking of all the things we say we never have time for. Let me give you a few recent examples that I have used.

I don't have time to/for:

-make it to the gym

-read my Bible

-do a 20 minute work-out DVD (screw you Jillian. OK, I am sorry.)

-make it to the 7:18 bus for work

-grocery shop (Darn, I guess I will have to eat out, AGAIN)

-clean my bath tub/sink/room/car/kitchen/yougetthepoint

-talk to the annoying girl at work

-smile at people

-laugh at stupid jokes

-listen to the people at work who are lost and think they are found

So I was thinking of my day and my weekend and what I need to do with my life and pondering the rest of my existence (normal shower thoughts... right?) and I was getting overwhelmed. And then it hit me, I simply don't have time to be negative. OK, I know, that sounds like that girl who says "Turn that frown upside down!" and "Don't worry, be Happy!" But it is true. I do not have time to let negative thoughts dominate, and God doesn't want that for us either. I am 24. I have time to get married and have kids. I have time to go back to school. I have time to buy a house. I have time to get a dog. I have time to get a new job. I have time to travel. I have time to visit friends. I have time to call my grandmother. I have time.

I don't have time to think about not getting married, being in a crap job forever, never getting married, not being good enough, not being pretty/funny/smart/fill in the blank enough, how it is only monday morning at 8 am and not Friday at 4:59pm. You get it? We don't have time to do this. Or energy. Or the necessity. I have to move on. It is definitely time.

A little bus-stop treat.

A little treat bestowed upon me by the bus-stop gods. This lady had on a green suit, hat, and tennis shoes.

Enjoy.

I do want to talk about it.

Target.

This is the list of things put into ONE target paper sack at my bi-weekly, weekend grocery trip to Target. Get ready.

1. Four Tomatoes

2. One carton of mushrooms

3. Grapes

(I realize these items aren't that heavy... please continue)

4. Bottle of Marsala Wine

5. Zesty Italian Salad Dressing

6. Four-pack of butter

7. Two-pound bag of carrots

8. One block of pepper jack cheese

9. Cous-cous

10. Two cans of chicken broth

(We're not done yet)

11. One-half gallon of milk

12. Ranch veggie dip

13. One can of baking powder

(And here's the kicker)

14. Three-pound, two ounce jar of apple sauce

Seriously. When you asked me if I wanted paper or plastic, I didn't realize it meant one bag of each.

Bike ride to the __________________

Ok... a little background.

Earlier in the summer, a friend from church mentioned that I should get a partner and do this race called the Muddy Buddy. It is approximately 7 miles, and you run and bike with your partner. One person starts the race running, the other biking, and then you switch at certain points in the course. The course is divided up into 5 or 6 legs, and at the end of each leg, you complete an obstacle. I agree, and I find a partner- Briana- and we sign up for the race.

I figured I should do some biking before showing up on race day not having biked since middle school (ok, slight exaggeration, but you get the point). So, I haul a bike from my parent's house, and start my 'training.'

After a few days of riding around my neighborhood, I remember how I saw this trail on the way from work one day.... and I decided to find it. So... I go to find the trail. I found the trail and started making my way on the trail. Dowwwwn a hill and back upppp a hill, and down, riding next to a main highway. In my mind, it made sense that this trail would loop, no such luck. The trail heads over the Minnesota river and river valley, and starts to curve back up to the top of the hill.

At the top of the hill, I notice tall buildings, like a Hilton and Embassy Suites. I am trying to run through a map in my head of where I ended up. So I continue biking a little further and I see a large building, also known as, the Mall of America.

Yep. That's right. I accidentally biked to the Mall of America. Really. So I am still biking, now along a sidewalk, and I realize I am stumbling upon a nature preserve (remember, I just biked over the Minnesota River, which apparently has a nature preserve). I now decide to find an alternate route home that is hopefully a little more direct. I find this path that heads down a hill in the direction of my house, so I take it. ( I am not sure if I am going to forge the river Oregon-trail style with my bike, but I know I can figure it out.)

(Time out: It is nearly 8pm. I am without a cellphone, water bottle, or any proper identification, Time in)

I am heading down this trail, it gets steeper and steeper down hill. It is gravel, and in parts, is washed out from heavy rain. I continue on, and enter into the portion of the trail covered by the tree canopy, so it is nearly dark. I IMMEDIATELY get swarmed by 1.98 million mosquitos. As I am slapping my body, I realize there is no one around, except for the kidnapper/murderers undoubtedly hiding in the thick undergrowth waiting for an inexperienced, blonde, tired, somewhat-lost biker to come into the isolated portion of the trail. Upon this epiphany, I know I should head back. I bike a little further and see a sign stating "0.2 miles to nature preserve center this way" with an arrow pointing uphill. I decide I should take this path, and head back home the way I came.

I start biking back towards the preserve, slapping at mosquitos the entire way. After getting a portion of the way back up this hill, I encounter something. A new challenge. Stairs. That's right folks, this part of the path is NOT for the bikers or handicapped, it is a walking path. At this point, it is getting too late to turn around. I have contracted west nile and malaria, and I am just wanting to get out. So, I start trying to walk my bike up the stairs. That doesn't work because the stairs are spaced far enough apart where the tire gets stuck on every stair and I have to lift the bike. I end up hoisting the *&#$#(* bike over my shoulders, and carrying it the rest of the 0.2 miles uphill, to reach the nature preserve and the rest of civilization.

Realizing that I have to bike the ENTIRE way back from the Mall of America to my house, I set off in search of a water fountain at the nature preserve. Do you know that there was not a single outdoor fountain for the lost/stranded biker like myself? Cursing the preserve, I get back on my bike, interrupt a hippie-nature club by biking through it, and head home.

I bike all the way back home, and stagger into my house. I am certain that I resembled a person who found their way out of a desert. I drank water like I had been stranded in the Sahara, and had to explain to my roommates what just happened to me.

The next day, I schedule a massage b/c I was sore. My massage therapist, Jason, who I have been seeing once/month with my massage membership (yes, there are such things and I highly recommend them for idiots like me) starts trying to work the knots out. About 12 minutes in, he basically tells me that my neck is out of alignment. I politely mention that things like that happen when you bike long distances, alternating butt cheeks, because your pelvis is permanently knocked from the bike you accidentally rode too far and for too long. I may or may not have mentioned how parts of my body fell asleep that I didn't realize could fall asleep because of my poor biking posture. Whatever. I think he may have said then that he didn't want to talk about it... I am not sure. Poor Jason.

Kimberly at the Dentist

So... Today I had a dentist appointment. Here are the details:

Time: 1 pm

Day: Tuesday

Location: Downtown dental office

Purpose: Get cavities filled.. 5 to be exact. NO, I do not want to talk about that part.

Procedure: You'll find out.

1. I walk into the dental office. I swear to you Bret Michaels was sitting in the lobby. It was like one of those pictures, "What doesn't fit in this scene?" The lobby is like this serene, yoga-inspired place... and there was old Bret chilling.

2. I go to sit down after checking in. My phone goes crashing onto the wood floor- bret michaels and other man seem not to notice...

3. I get called back to my new-found dental home chair.

4. Assistant #1 comes in and asks what iPod I want to listen to. I chose the orange one w/ The Fray-esque music. Orange iPod is not working today. I was embarrassed to say I wanted the purple one with Hip-Hop.. so I chose the radio.

5. Assistant #1 puts numbing-gel q-tips in my mouth. Drooling immediately commences. Assistant #1 walks away.

6. Shot-lady comes in, and things go as follows:

Shot Lady (SL hereafter): "It looks like you are having 5 fillings. Two on the upper left, two on the lower left, and one on the lower right."

Me: (wiping drool as if I know where the cavities are...) Umm, yeah, I think so.

SL: Ok, did you eat lunch today?

Me: (why does that matter? I am getting 5 #($U#)$ fillings!) Yep!

SL: Ok, good, that usually lessens the chance of reactions to the shots.

Me: (HOLD UP? Reaction? What the devil is this lady talking about? Reaction? TO WHAT?) Oh, OK, great!

SL: Ok, I am going to start here, and you will feel a little pinch...

Me: (Felt the first pinch, the 2nd one, the 3rd one, etc. and all the sudden, my legs are sweating. I am wearing a pencil skirt and I have bare legs. Why are they sweating? Oh my gosh. I am going to die. I am having this reaction. No, no I am not. No I am not. I am being a anxious freak. I am not having any sort of reaction. *Pinch* Why do I feel like my heart is racing? Am I even breathing?)

SL: Ok, so we are almost *Pinch* done. Just this one, last, *Pinch*, shot.

Me: (What is going on? I think I am getting ready to pass out.)

SL: So, how are you feeling? Everything alright?

Me: Ehhh, Umm. ( I lift my hand up, it is shaking- I hardly even notice.. because EVERYTHING is shaking.)

SL: Oh, ok, are you feeling faint? Dizzy? Shaky?

Me: Faint. Shaky.

SL: OK, well I am going to lean you back some more. As long as your head is below your heart, you won't pass out!

Me: Heh, heh, oh ok, great.

SL: Welp, I am going to go find someone to sit with you- you will feel fine soon! (EXITS STAGE LEFT!)

Me: (YOU ARE LEAVING ME HERE TO DIE? Call the paramedics. MOM! DAD!?!?)

Assitant #2: Ok, how are you feeling now?

Me: Ehhh.

These types of questions persisted for 30 or so minutes while my heart rate came back to normal and the shaking stopped. The dentist comes in and starts the dirty work. Her and Assistant #2 talk about Jay-Z, Eminem, and who killed Biggie. And no, that is not a joke. She is my dentist from heaven. Then she hits an un-numb part of my tooth. I jerk.

Dentist: Oh, wow. We will need to give you a little more of that shot.

Me: (Eyes widen in fear)

Dentist: I will give you the one without the epinephrine so you won't have a reaction.

Me: (EPINEPHRINE? You shot me up with adrenaline? Why not just give me 7 red bulls and call it a day?!) Ok, tanks. ** Remember, most of my mouth is numb.

The rest of the procedure goes off with out a hitch. I get back to my desk after 2 hours of the 1.5 hour dental appointment. Take a sip of water like a pro. Get a little arrogant. Take another sip of water. Thought my lip was closed- it wasn't. Squirt my entire desk with water. Laughed... hard, despite my numb face and escaping saliva. Hotness.